4: Your Tribe

I understand in our life finding a community can be one of the hardest things. What I have begun to realize is that it’s not just one group of people that struggles more than another. Young adults might have jammed packed schedules that make it hard to find time to meet with others, while a more established adult with a spouse and children might find it hard to connect with like minded people. Something that is vital for all groups to establish is their tribe. 

When I am talking about your tribe I am talking about a smaller group of people within the larger community that you’ve established. Some people call it a small group or even an accountability group, but your tribe will be an important part of your life and will help establish your larger trusted community. 

My tribe consists of two couples really, even though our community is much larger, these two families help keep us grounded. In our experience being able to pull away from the larger group to be more personable and honest with each other has helped Rachelle and I become better parents and a better spouse to one another. 

I think back to just a few weeks ago before I started writing this. I was having one of the worst weeks of my life, it seemed like everything was against me and every situation was world ending. 

I was able to call Jerimee and Joel, I sat down with each of them individually and was able to decompress and talk out how I was feeling. What was great about meeting with each of them was I was able to process the situation in between each of the conversations. 

Joel and I went out to a late dinner, we picked up spicy chicken taco rolls and talked for a few hours. Even though the initial conversation started with my junk, we moved into other areas of life and success. I was able to celebrate with Joel the new found passion for exercising he has and hear about how much better his life has become as a result. 

My conversation a few days later with Jerimee was similar as I was still stressed and frustrated with what had gone on in the last few weeks. I was able to talk with Jerimee with a clearer head, explaining some of the deeper reasons that I was so frustrated. I believe the only reason that I was able to do that was because of my initial conversation with Joel and how he helped me see the situation from a different point of view. 

My tribe is so important to me. I know that I would not be in the stable life situation I am currently in without them. Though not everything in my life is perfect, being able to rely on the small group within my community is life changing. 

Not only do we get to share our burdens with one another, but we get to celebrate our success and life events. Just a few weeks ago we were able to attend Jessica’s birthday dinner, and we celebrated it like we were a part of the family. 

We brought baby Carson along, and without hesitation he was passed around the table with love, each person pouring into his life, all while we were able to celebrate Jessica’s life! Our tribe is so important to Rachelle and I. 

One of the great things about our tribe is the ability to grow our community. Because of Jessica and Jerimee and Joel and Robin, we have met so many other couples that are now great friends of ours. 

Without our tribe there would have been so many backyard cookouts, after church lunches, weekend events, and 4th of July parties that we would have missed out on. And in the near future as Carson begins to grow and learn to play with others we will have so many young children whose families we are already connected with to have play dates with. 

So how do you find your tribe? I mean, it is easier said than done, that is for sure, but it is not impossible. It will take you getting out of your comfort zone, it might take moments of you being vulnerable or even being hurt. Do not be discouraged though, because that is only part of the process. I would be lying to you if I said that four years ago when I first moved to Phoenix that I found my tribe, it was actually very recent. 

I moved to Phoenix in 2016 and met Jerimee and Joel and I knew that both of them were excited to have me at their church and that they did care about me. Joel and I connected quickly but only because we met together to be a part of youth ministry on Wednesdays, it took about a year for us to really start diving deeper into community together. And though I knew Jerimee and Jessica, it wasn’t until after I married Rachelle that we really started to grow closer to them by joining their small group.

But even after those two milestone moments it wasn’t until late 2018 that we really became the tribe. There was nothing wrong with the relationships that we shared together before then, but we really dove deeper into each other's lives towards the end of that year, we really begun to invest into one another on a deeper level talking outside of our typical days that we would see each other. 

It didn’t just happen naturally, each of us inside of my tribe had to step up, we each had to invest into one another. There was a catalyst though, honestly, I wasn’t even the person to start it all. It was Jerimee, he was the one who took the time out of his day to connect us on a deeper level, Jerimee went out of his way to bring us closer together. 

Jermiee decided that it wasn’t enough for us to just see one another at church, or every other week at our small group. He wasn’t satisfied with the texts here and there, he wanted more and because he did Jerimee took the steps needed to create a closer bond. I received a request on my YouVersion Bible App, he had friended me and instead of just leaving it at a simple friend request where he could see how many verses I was highlighting each week, Jerimee invited Joel and I into a study together “Live Free - Brotherhood is a Necessity”. Over the next seven days we dove deeper into scripture, commented our thoughts on the reading and were able to be vulnerable with what we struggled with.

The only reason this began was not because I as the pastor decided to start a group, or tell someone to read through scripture, but because Jerimee wanted more and was not satisfied with the status quo of our current relationship. To establish a tribe within your community, someone needs to take the initiative, someone needs to care more than everyone else to work on connecting the group. It sounds hard, and the reality of the situation is that it is incredibly hard. Because it is not initially rewarding, this task might take weeks or even months because you cannot control how others decide to invest their time or live their lives. 

We might know that the best thing for everyone would be to invest into each other, but until the people that you want to be a part of your tribe see past themselves and actually start to care about others in the tribe, that will not happen. Now it is hard, because I believe that most people think that they are good enough, that they have invested what they needed too, that they are fine in the situation they are in. 

But we cannot remain in that, we must push for change and growth and not merely for ourselves or our family, but for those we love and care for. Because if you want to see a true community come together and if you desire to have this tribe that I am speaking about you and I must do more, we must change our thought process and begin to see ourselves differently because we are not the most important people in the room.

Most people in our world are not bad or evil, most people actually do care about others. The reality of humanity is that we are inherently selfish, we are always looking out for number one and what is most important to us. Ourselves, our spouse, and our children. It is hard to break out of this mindset and it is hard to shift our focus. We will dive deeper into this idea in Chapter seven.