6: When You Cause Dissonance

How do you respond when you are the one who causes dissonance within your community? I ask this question because recently that person was me. I actually didn’t cause any dissonance within my tribe, but within my larger community I really did, this dissonance came from a sermon. I had read through James chapter 2 over many months, specifically verses 1-13 the ones that talk about favoritism or prejudice. 

You see, as I was preparing the message I would read through the scripture in a few different translations, then try to think of a story, then prepare the message. Initially I had a pretty simple message, using the story of a man who I had never met. I was told the story and I felt that I could fit it in the sermon quite well, honestly if I would have chosen that route I would not have caused any dissonance, most people would have been glad for my words and left the sanctuary unchanged that day. 

I wasn’t satisfied with it though, I read it over and practiced it twice before I scrapped it. I had two weeks left to figure something out, and I figured out where I was going to go. It was in the midst of one of the most politically charged times in our culture, during the border crisis of 2019. We had hundreds of people coming to America from Mexico and South America who were looking for refuge and hope. 

There were many who were arriving the proper way, and many others who were trying to enter illegally, and because of this mass influx of people our border could not handle all of them. So one of the ways that we as a nation decided to respond while we figured out all of the details was to place them in cages and holding facilities for days and weeks at a time. It was inhumane in some cases, but other than just letting them all in without a check, at the time it was the only thing that our nation knew to do. 

Now I am inspired to speak on this specific topic because of how I was watching our congregation interact online with all of this news, how so many people were outright hateful saying that we needed to send all of those “racist terms” home, or how if they wanted a better life how they should just work for it like we all did. Some are not against them coming as long as they did it the ‘right way.’ 

It was hard to watch so many of the people who were in my community treat these people online the way they did. I do believe though that the majority of the people in my community are not racist or xenophobic, but because they have the ‘anonymity’ online they feel like they have the power to say these things without consequence. 

Sunday came and I was ready to preach. I was inspired the week prior by Pastor Will’s sermon on the parable of the good Samaritan, and how the religious leaders of the time followed their laws that were in place not to touch something that was dead even though the beaten man was not dead. So I opened with a joke like we do and went into the scripture, talking about how we are not evil or horrible people, how most of us actually do care but we don’t know what to do about it.

Because we don’t know what to do about it, we use our laws that are in place not to care. We look at those trying to come here for a better life for themselves or family and we say they deserve where they are now because they broke our law, yet when many of us break the law daily just by speeding on the highway or rolling through the stop sign. 

I then finished my sermon by telling a story. I tried to get our people to empathize with the people who were just trying to find something better than where they were before. I told a story of what I thought the last week of the immigrant who died with his daughter trying to swim across the Rio Grande was like. It was vivid and for many too brutal, I pulled and broke the heart strings of so many people to a point where many thought I was calling them a sinner for simply being a republican. 

Not five seconds after I walked off the stage I was yelled at by a man in the front row, as I walked down the aisle I had eyes of fury staring me down. I got to the exit and stood at the door ready to greet people as they made their way out the door and to their homes. I was not greeted with many good jobs or thanks, but rather was greeted by frustration and anger, many people telling me I do not understand the issue I spoke about and how I don’t deserve to be a pastor. Many told me they were leaving the church over this sermon and how I would understand where they were coming from when I was older.

I had never felt more hated in my life, which is a huge because I was a jerk growing up. I had so many hate emails and letters come my way, it was one of the worst weeks in my ministry up to that point. I needed to take a step back and really consider if what I said was truly wrong, or if the Holy Spirit was convicting the hearts of the people in my church. 

What I came to understand was that even in the midst of dissonance, we can find peace, and that there cannot be true growth without this dissonance. Now I am not saying that everyone of you reading needs to go preach a sermon that makes your church and community mad. No, but what I am saying is that this difference in opinion is really important to your growth as a person and growth within your community. 

One of the things that I was told to do from my pastor was apologize, not because I was necessarily wrong, but because people were hurt. If I am honest, it wasn’t my best sermon, though I still 100% believe the words I spoke I do understand that I hurt people with the power I had on stage that morning. And so, because I understood that I was willing to apologize. I never want to hurt people with my words or actions, I do understand that it will sometimes happen, but by no means do I want to stand on a stage or use a position of power to hurt or tear others down. I should be using that power and position to help bring peace and love into my community and world, and in this sermon specifically I went a bit too far, I hurt those within my community. 

Now understanding that I have grown, I realize that the things I do and say have a lasting impact on my community, that people do respect my words and thoughts, even when I don’t see change happening. The other thing that I understand and have more clarity on, is the fact that you don’t have to agree with everything your community believes and vice versa. 

Because at the end of the day when all of that sermon drama had passed, people still disagreed with my thoughts on immigration, and I didn’t see eye to eye with every person within my community on that issue, but we were still a part of the same community. Which meant that not only was my apology important, but my community needed to love and accept me even knowing we thought differently. 

That is what is so incredible about community, the reality is if you find yourself a part of a community who agrees and believes everything that you are saying, you are not in the community, you are in an echo chamber. If we are really honest with ourselves, an echo chamber feels a lot better than a community. Because in an echo chamber you are only hearing the things you agree with, you are only being told things that you already understand, and the challenges you might face within that echo chamber will not help you grow to become a better person.

A community is a place where you can find peace and acceptance, but it is also a place that will help you grow. Similar to how a gym might work, when we go to the gym we are not there to sleep or eat a thanksgiving meal. When we go to the gym we are there to sweat and make our muscles burn. It cannot happen within a single visit either, when we decide to make a life change for the better we are committing to showing up weekly or more, we are committed to breaking that sweat and making our bodies burn, not because we necessarily enjoy the pain, but because the pain is a step towards making your body healthier. 

What I hope you understand from this is not that I want you to go and disrupt the good things you have going on within your community simply to cause dissonance, but maybe go to your community and ask some tough questions. Do you agree with everything everyone says all the time? Or are there moments that you might think differently than the people in your circle? That is important, and it is more important to be able to discover and talk through those things together. 

5: Put The Phone Down

Yes, you heard me say it, put down your phone. I know, some of you might actually be reading this on your phone right now, so in that case you can keep your phone up for now. All jokes aside, I believe there is a real issue with our modern phone usage, in fact pull up your phone right now and go into your settings. In IOS when you are in the settings on your device there is a button that reads “Screen Time”, for Android you might need to download a screen time app. I am about to get real honest with you all, and I hope that you all are honest with yourself here too. 

Look at your current usage for today. As I am writing this it is currently 12:11 pm, and I have used my phone for 2 hours and 48 minutes. It is broken down between social networking, creativity and productivity. You can dive deeper into the usage, as a look at my weekly averages I see that my usage is astronomical. Currently my average daily usage over the past seven days has been 6 hours and 17 minutes. 

Are you kidding me Trevor? You’ve wasted 6 hours of your 24 on your phone? And you’re sleeping on average 7 hours? That means that I’ve wasted 13 hours of my day on my phone and sleeping, that is more than half of my day totally gone. 

Now I realize that I do use my phone for work, posting on Instagram and Facebook for work, also taking many phone calls and texts from parents and students, I also have a few graphic design apps on my phone that I am able to build logos and slides for future events at church and for the district. But my goodness, how much of my time am I actually productive? It is hard to tell, but we can all agree that I am wasting away my precious time. 

Beyond the fact of wasted time I believe that our devices have come in the way of us forming real and true communities. But don’t get me wrong, I do also believe that they give us the ability to connect better than we ever have in the past. Even though our devices have given us the ability to connect with people who are far away, I do believe that they have also pushed us away from the connections that we need to have in our lives. Real, personal, flesh to flesh connections. 

I understand that there is a divide in this belief, some believing that we should cut all phones and electronics from our life to live like we did in the ‘good ole days’ and others thinking that we have barely even tapped the potential of what modern technology can do to connect humans around the globe. But from my experience with technology, I have begun to see a negative spiral with how we are able to connect, and it has even touched my own life. 

I first began to notice this trend shortly after my time at MidAmerica Nazarene University. I had spent countless days in the community there, it was forced upon me as I had many roommates and hallmates. I remember the first two weeks there, it was just after 10:00 pm and I heard guitars being played down the hall. I got up from my desk and took a little stroll to see where it was coming from. In the stairwell four guys had just got up and started a jam session, I grabbed a seat and started to sing and listen along. Within 30 minutes we added a third guitar and two cajons we were jamming loud! So loud that we didn’t hear the door alarm going off in the hall and our tired RA had to come and shut us down for the evening. 

As I returned home from MNU I wanted to stay connected with those people, and those who I already had so much in common with. I became a master of connection over the internet, I was able to keep threads going for days in comment sections on facebook, or message and video chat people constantly on skype. I was so good at connecting with people over a screen that my ability to connect personally with someone face to face was beginning to diminish. 

I first noticed it when I moved from my parents' home in Tucson to my own place in Tempe. Now something to know about me is how I am perfectly split down the middle between an extrovert and an introvert, I’ve found it to be called an ambivert. So by no means am I someone who doesn’t like getting out there, though I do enjoy my time alone, but because of this I found it hard to put myself out into this new world. I was so lucky to be forced into certain friend groups because of my job, because if I didn’t I don’t know if I would be writing this book for you today. 

I struggled to connect with people because I had to deal with all of the raw emotions that you miss out on when connecting through a screen. Now you might be saying “Well what about facetime or skype?” I mean yes, through a screen you can see the emotions of a person as the blank black screen lights up to see the bright shining face on the other end. I also don’t want to discredit the many good conversations that have happened over the phone or screen, but I think there is something missing with that. What I mean by missing, is the ability to see the walk up, the tone in how they are truly feeling. Let me give you an example in my own life. 

For me it was in 2011, I was going out on a coffee date with a girl I went to high school with. I got to Starbucks twenty or so minutes early. I can’t remember if I was just excited or bad at keeping track of time after I had graduated. But, as I sat in the Barnes & Noble coffee shop in the mall not two minutes before my date arrived I received a call. 

My phone rang in my pocket and I energetically reached for my phone, I thought that it might be a date calling me with an update to her arrival. I sat there with an iced mocha in front of me and a caramel frappuccino in front of the empty seat that my date would sit in. As I pulled out my phone I noticed it was my mother's number. Now for a bit of context here, I had a decent relationship with my parents most of the time, but during this time I did not. So Whenever I received a call from my mom it was either to tell me something I had done wrong, or to tell me to come home. 

I answered the phone hesitantly.

Trevor: “Hello, mom?” 

There was no reply.

Trevor: “Mom, are you there?”

A few more seconds went by.

Mom: “OH! Hey, ummm.. Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you. Umm.”

She paused for another moment

Trevor: “Oh, well, that's okay. What's going on?”

Mom: “I am in the hospital.. Um, Dave just died. I am sorry, I have to go.” 

I was stunned, I held the phone up to my ear for another few minutes before I eventually set it down on the table. Tears began welling up in my eyes, I tried to wipe them away, but it was too late. My date had just walked through the door. I cracked a smile as I tried to hold back the tears that were wanting to burst forth.

My Date: “Hey Trevor wha… Are you okay?”

It didn’t take her two seconds before she knew something was up. I didn’t have to say anything but just by my body language and red eyes she knew that something had happened. I spent the next three hours with her crying and talking about Dave. You see, Dave was my first real mentor, the first guy that I really looked up to and wanted to be like. Because of my relationship with my parents Dave was the person I asked the tough questions too, and he was just gone.

I don’t know if you would consider that the best or the worst date that I have been on, but for me it was one of my best. Not because I ended up in a relationship or with a kiss at the end, but because I connected with someone so deeply and so personally. She just sat there in the middle of the coffee shop and let me cry and tell stories about Dave.

In any other scenario either text, video message, or phone call I could have totally played that off, said that everything was okay and had ended the conversation before I let any emotion out over a device. But because it was in person, face to face, my emotions poured out of my face, my shoulders were slumped low, and without even having to ask she knew something was wrong. 

This is one of the biggest reasons that I believe we need to set our phones down and interact more, and personally. That we should disconnect from the technology that brings people from far areas closer together, and connect with those who might sit across our table. Think about that, when was the last time that you sat across from a real person without your phone and had a cup of coffee or a meal? Didn’t that feel good, didn’t you feel more refreshed and recharged after those moments? 

As I finish writing this chapter I look around at the coffee shop I am at. There are probably thirty or so people here reading, writing, or just enjoying the company of others. And of those thirty or so I see sixteen people sitting across from another person smiling and having a conversation, talking in different languages, showing each other photos of their trips this past summer, connecting like we were designed to be. In front of another human, not through a screen.

4: Your Tribe

I understand in our life finding a community can be one of the hardest things. What I have begun to realize is that it’s not just one group of people that struggles more than another. Young adults might have jammed packed schedules that make it hard to find time to meet with others, while a more established adult with a spouse and children might find it hard to connect with like minded people. Something that is vital for all groups to establish is their tribe. 

When I am talking about your tribe I am talking about a smaller group of people within the larger community that you’ve established. Some people call it a small group or even an accountability group, but your tribe will be an important part of your life and will help establish your larger trusted community. 

My tribe consists of two couples really, even though our community is much larger, these two families help keep us grounded. In our experience being able to pull away from the larger group to be more personable and honest with each other has helped Rachelle and I become better parents and a better spouse to one another. 

I think back to just a few weeks ago before I started writing this. I was having one of the worst weeks of my life, it seemed like everything was against me and every situation was world ending. 

I was able to call Jerimee and Joel, I sat down with each of them individually and was able to decompress and talk out how I was feeling. What was great about meeting with each of them was I was able to process the situation in between each of the conversations. 

Joel and I went out to a late dinner, we picked up spicy chicken taco rolls and talked for a few hours. Even though the initial conversation started with my junk, we moved into other areas of life and success. I was able to celebrate with Joel the new found passion for exercising he has and hear about how much better his life has become as a result. 

My conversation a few days later with Jerimee was similar as I was still stressed and frustrated with what had gone on in the last few weeks. I was able to talk with Jerimee with a clearer head, explaining some of the deeper reasons that I was so frustrated. I believe the only reason that I was able to do that was because of my initial conversation with Joel and how he helped me see the situation from a different point of view. 

My tribe is so important to me. I know that I would not be in the stable life situation I am currently in without them. Though not everything in my life is perfect, being able to rely on the small group within my community is life changing. 

Not only do we get to share our burdens with one another, but we get to celebrate our success and life events. Just a few weeks ago we were able to attend Jessica’s birthday dinner, and we celebrated it like we were a part of the family. 

We brought baby Carson along, and without hesitation he was passed around the table with love, each person pouring into his life, all while we were able to celebrate Jessica’s life! Our tribe is so important to Rachelle and I. 

One of the great things about our tribe is the ability to grow our community. Because of Jessica and Jerimee and Joel and Robin, we have met so many other couples that are now great friends of ours. 

Without our tribe there would have been so many backyard cookouts, after church lunches, weekend events, and 4th of July parties that we would have missed out on. And in the near future as Carson begins to grow and learn to play with others we will have so many young children whose families we are already connected with to have play dates with. 

So how do you find your tribe? I mean, it is easier said than done, that is for sure, but it is not impossible. It will take you getting out of your comfort zone, it might take moments of you being vulnerable or even being hurt. Do not be discouraged though, because that is only part of the process. I would be lying to you if I said that four years ago when I first moved to Phoenix that I found my tribe, it was actually very recent. 

I moved to Phoenix in 2016 and met Jerimee and Joel and I knew that both of them were excited to have me at their church and that they did care about me. Joel and I connected quickly but only because we met together to be a part of youth ministry on Wednesdays, it took about a year for us to really start diving deeper into community together. And though I knew Jerimee and Jessica, it wasn’t until after I married Rachelle that we really started to grow closer to them by joining their small group.

But even after those two milestone moments it wasn’t until late 2018 that we really became the tribe. There was nothing wrong with the relationships that we shared together before then, but we really dove deeper into each other's lives towards the end of that year, we really begun to invest into one another on a deeper level talking outside of our typical days that we would see each other. 

It didn’t just happen naturally, each of us inside of my tribe had to step up, we each had to invest into one another. There was a catalyst though, honestly, I wasn’t even the person to start it all. It was Jerimee, he was the one who took the time out of his day to connect us on a deeper level, Jerimee went out of his way to bring us closer together. 

Jermiee decided that it wasn’t enough for us to just see one another at church, or every other week at our small group. He wasn’t satisfied with the texts here and there, he wanted more and because he did Jerimee took the steps needed to create a closer bond. I received a request on my YouVersion Bible App, he had friended me and instead of just leaving it at a simple friend request where he could see how many verses I was highlighting each week, Jerimee invited Joel and I into a study together “Live Free - Brotherhood is a Necessity”. Over the next seven days we dove deeper into scripture, commented our thoughts on the reading and were able to be vulnerable with what we struggled with.

The only reason this began was not because I as the pastor decided to start a group, or tell someone to read through scripture, but because Jerimee wanted more and was not satisfied with the status quo of our current relationship. To establish a tribe within your community, someone needs to take the initiative, someone needs to care more than everyone else to work on connecting the group. It sounds hard, and the reality of the situation is that it is incredibly hard. Because it is not initially rewarding, this task might take weeks or even months because you cannot control how others decide to invest their time or live their lives. 

We might know that the best thing for everyone would be to invest into each other, but until the people that you want to be a part of your tribe see past themselves and actually start to care about others in the tribe, that will not happen. Now it is hard, because I believe that most people think that they are good enough, that they have invested what they needed too, that they are fine in the situation they are in. 

But we cannot remain in that, we must push for change and growth and not merely for ourselves or our family, but for those we love and care for. Because if you want to see a true community come together and if you desire to have this tribe that I am speaking about you and I must do more, we must change our thought process and begin to see ourselves differently because we are not the most important people in the room.

Most people in our world are not bad or evil, most people actually do care about others. The reality of humanity is that we are inherently selfish, we are always looking out for number one and what is most important to us. Ourselves, our spouse, and our children. It is hard to break out of this mindset and it is hard to shift our focus. We will dive deeper into this idea in Chapter seven.